24/03/25 - Reflection Journal

Today, I didn't work directly on the ADHD project, but I did return to work. Being back helped—just getting out of my own head and away from the echo chamber of thoughts, ideas, and ruminations was grounding. It reminded me how isolating it can be to sit alone stewing on everything.

Kirstie noticed I wasn't myself last week. I hadn't expected anyone to pick up on it, so credit to her. Then again, she's the one who first pointed out that I likely have ADHD—she's incredibly perceptive. With her psychology background and experience working with neurodivergent people, she's someone I really want involved in the project. I'd love her to facilitate the post-escape room training sessions. She's empathetic, student-centered, and seems to share my outlook on creating meaningful change.

When I told her what had upset me last week and recounted what happened in the immersive room, I noticed myself altering the story as I spoke. Nothing untrue, but perhaps exaggerated or spun to paint myself in a slightly better light. It's funny how we do that—try to perform a version of ourselves, even in honest moments. Regardless, I think I've found an ally in Kirsty. She seems open to the "rebellion" concept—using alternative routes to make change happen, rather than waiting endlessly for top-down approval.

I also spoke with the head of SEND today. Apparently, the college is working towards an autism support award, which could mean more openness to initiatives like mine. Still, I'm cautious about getting too many people involved—too many variables, too many ways it could go sideways. I'd rather work with those I know and trust. Right now, Kirsty, Jen, Vicky, and possibly Tracy all seem supportive. That could be enough to form a solid inner circle—people who actually want to see this happen and won't water it down.

Interestingly, during another conversation, a staff member mentioned that her daughter has ADHD—but they chose not to seek a diagnosis because they didn't want her "labelled." They feared the diagnosis would hold her back, that she'd use it as an excuse. I didn't challenge her—it's her personal experience—but it was a revealing insight, especially coming from someone in the SEND team. That internalised stigma is still so present, even among those expected to lead support.

Kirstie sympathised with my frustration over the "superpower" dismissal. That idea still really gets to me. I can't believe how much it's been stuck in my head—it's rare for something to piss me off quite this persistently. It's made me even more determined to make this project something big. Something they can't ignore. But I know I can't go too far—I need to hit that middle 70%, the ones who are open-minded but unsure. I can't scare them off, but I can't dilute the message either.

I'm toying with the idea of developing the project more secretly for now—framing it like a little underground society with team members who only discuss it among themselves. A game within a game. That could make it fun, even if it never fully launches. So far, my focus has held longer than usual, which gives me hope I can see this through.

As for the immersive lead role... I'm still torn. Part of me wants to stay in it, to keep a hand on the wheel. Another part wonders if I've invested too much already to back out. Then there's the petty part—thinking if they won't support what I've created, then fine, they get nothing from me. No one else will do it anyway.

The more rational part of me is saying: step back. Focus your energy on what truly matters, in the way that matters to you. Why keep burning energy on a system that ignores your ideas? Maybe it's time to stop being responsible for something that's constantly sidelined.

I don't have to decide today. But maybe I'll try to get proper feedback—objective data—on how staff are actually using the immersive suites. Not just anecdotal stuff passed through managers. I've asked before and been blocked, but maybe I'll send out the questions myself. If leadership won't gather data, I'll find another way. That fits with how I work, anyway—strategic, slightly subversive, but focused on impact.

I might draw up a plan tonight. Maybe run it by Bodie, see if she has input. Or maybe keep it quiet a little longer. This is still shaping up to be my final major project, and I want it to be mine. I'll do some more planning tonight and see where it goes.